Shadow on the Street

I was walking down the street. I was with him. For some reason I always wanted to walk around the city with him. Never with a destination. Anywhere we'd be going would just break up our flow anyway. We were very fluid. As I was walking, and listening, a man hurried past huddled into his jacket like a turtle in it's shell. It wasn't even really cold out. He had the weight of a chip on his shoulder and the expression on his face screamed the anger and disdain he had for the world and everyone in it. Bitterness.


I stopped dead in my tracks and my glance raced after him to see if the recognition was true. Yes. I called after him. He stopped without turning around immediately. Then, after several seconds he turns and without looking up from the sidewalk, rushed towards me. I was happy to see him, as I had been the past several times. A sense of calm, nostalgia, and even longing for what used to be would always flood over me. The feeling would always flood across the perma-smile on my face that only someone who knew me in the way he did would bring about.

He leaned in, his head hovering over my shoulder, his mouth lingering at my ear as he gave me a hesitant hug. "I'm sorry" he said, "I just can't see you like this." I looked at him as he started to pull away, I looked into his eyes for that person I used to see. The one who's eyes could pierce my soul without feeling the slightest prick or self conscious reflex. Eyes like daggers, just like his words. I looked for those eyes, but they weren't there. Instead they were eyes that were dead and dull. He couldn't even muster their dull blades in my general direction.

Thoughts raced through my mind. Confusion. Did he not want me to see the person he'd become? Was he ashamed? He had faded. He was a shadow. But I still had hope he could return. "I'm sorry" he said, "I just can't see you like this...with him." And he turned and hurried away before I could comprehend his last words. Annoyance, frustration, embarassment, pity, apathy. I turned and began to walk away without missing a beat in our previous conversation.

"Who was that?" he said. "An ex boyfriend?"
I laughed. "You don't know who that was?"
"No...."
I thought for a second, to answer his question. Who was he? Who was he anyway? Who was he to me? Who is he now?

"Me either."

From Waves to Stampedes

So I was locked into your icy blue prison

I saw visions of what we'd do

in the longest short era I've ever known

the desire burnt us from stone

white knuckled and heart pounding

I dove into the icy blue prison

the violent choppy tide whipped and crashed

the white capped waves rose to points

piercing gaze like icicles plunging into the snow

we stood in the silent stillness while

wild horses stampede towards us

their hooves gallup crushing and pounding

into the horizon line

reduced to tufts of dead golden grass

I raced away from the cold concrete

of that icy blue prison

I've climbed out, over the razor wire

but it's always been so easy and so clear

seeing behind your icy blue eyes.

Violently Charming

Of all the things you did

your angst was never at rest

not even in sleep

I could hear the angered words under your breathe

mumbling in argument

teeth grinding, chattering at times

you'd flinch, you'd flail

I opened my eyes

when I looked over at your twisted face

you shouted with eyes closed

your words became clear and you belted out curses

I just lie there watching

you jumped up and raised a fist above my face

I gasp and flinch in shock and fear

your eyes slowly opened

confusion

"Sorry"

Kissed me on the forehead and closed your eyes again

Looking Glass

"The men eyed her with the automatic mix of curiosity, lust, and aesthetic judgement they always gave young women, subject to object, the way you'd stare at an animal. She pretended not to notice. To remind them she was a person was too much effort. Objects bore no guilt."


Sometimes you're nothing but meat. A lamb in a lion's den. Some people ACHE to be the meat. They'd give everything to sacrifice themselves. I never understood it. This vignette of life is mine. Recently it happened, again, it is not uncommon. I could sense the hunter like a bee senses fear. The eyes were locked, prowling, lurking, licking their chops, about to pounce on the meat. They interlaced in the crowd. But I knew where each one was. I felt the past clouding around me like blood in shark infested waters. We were all animals here. The sharks circled me, knowing what I have done. I was unsure if they knew...what they knew, but it felt all too familiar. I wasn't alone in being stalked. I'd been here before. Now I'm on the other side of the mirror. I knew I wasn't supposed to be here, and as I looked back through the looking glass, I couldn't help but wonder if things were different on this side.

Words Like Daggers

If they are objects...
they are the daggers thrown at me
tied to a spinning wheel
A black mass floating out like smoke
from my lips
The enemy
to a glass thought
Your stare is far more piercing
Whose intentions are easier to read
"Haze all clouded up my mind
in the daze of what could've never been"
before I finished the sentence
My heart was pounding
The words dripped down my thoughts
into that dark chasm so few dare to reach for
Your leaps are without hesitation
regardless of how sharp the blades are lining my throat
and even as I'm cut to ribbons
still I see the light in you

As we said goodbye, like a dead twin, always at my side
You said you'd see me in the next life
"What surety there is" I read
"That we will meet again on other worlds"
and then I died a little more

The volume defiant to my need
I couldn't hear your screams loud enough
I flipped through the pages of pain
"brothers and lovers"
Some unable to be labeled
Some afraid to put a label on
for fear I'd have to put them on that designated shelf
unable to escape
actions DENY louder than words
and with each sweet note you sing
or plead
I flinch from the pain
I wonder what he knows
I wonder what he's been told
the words float through my head
taunting and cruel

Walk Away

He said he’d be up late. He said the door was always open; the invite was on the table, any time. I knew it was dangerous ground, but I walked it anyway. I found myself stranded, a common occurrence for me. I had negotiated with a friend that she would drop me off if I went with her to a bar just before for a couple of hours. When I called he was sleeping, so much for staying up late. He picked me up and we went back to his place.
I had been having insomnia for a while. My mind was never still, never calm these days. Something was always eating at me. Lying down to go to sleep was often accompanied with a panic attack. My heart thumped the inside of my chest so hard my sternum ached. My body was shaking, there was a hard lump in the back of my throat and I felt sick to my stomach. My paranoia kept me awake. I always thought someone was looking through my window; someone was trying to get in the front door or climbing up the balcony. Not to mention that my insecurities were beginning to eat me alive.

So as we lay there in bed, I tried to fall asleep. I slept at the very edge of the bed, facing away. He scooted closer and put his arm across me. I didn’t move. I tried not to breathe. He caressed my arm, then my stomach. I was trying to pretend to sleep through an oncoming panic attack. I could almost hear my heart pounding, I’m sure he could too. I’m sure he thought it was cute. I felt sick to my stomach. It became all too clear to me what I thought of this situation. I wondered why I was there, why did I do this to myself? My frustration with myself was almost violent. I wanted to yank out my hair. I wanted to step outside of myself to give me a good slap in the face. I was screaming in my head. He moved closer and I still didn’t move, still didn’t breathe. In my head I was screaming “PLEASE STOP”, but I couldn’t make myself form the words. I never could. I squeezed my eyes shut tight, tried to pretend I was somewhere else. He started to rub my back and I know he could feel my heart pounding. I know he wanted me to turn around. I could feel him lean up over me and pull my hair away from my face, I still pretended to sleep. He pulled my shoulder towards him. He lifted me up and pulled me closer to him. I glanced back at him and rolled back over. No expression on my face. I think I never had an expression on my face when I was in that spot.

I’m not sure I ever went to sleep that night. I just wondered why I torture myself. Why had I become so incapacitated?

It Matches Her Eyes, When She Cries

The distance, a comfortable distance

always sunken deep behind the darkened edges
in the beginning I always needed the edges to be burned

you pulled me into full exposure

burning holes in my body with your hands

I thought it was safe and without meaning

but you turned the tables to my dismay

and before I could take a breath, they turned again

you warned me of what would happen

and the mere suggestion put the thought in my head

by the time I saw it, it was sacrificed for inevitable doom

I couldn't even look at you when you looked me in the eyes

I was scared you'd see exactly what I felt

I've never felt more vulnerable than when you look at me

and never more comfortable

I see those eyes from time to time

looking at me with open doors

gaze meeting with a painful stinging shock

I look, knowing the line is being crossed, I look away

I know you're exactly what I want with the exception of wanting me

Sweet to me and no one else

secretly revealing

revealing secrets

Your grasp never weakened, never moved

I could smell your fear of startling me like a deer you were hunting

Seeing how you didn't want to leave or let go

but you did

None of these things belong to me

I know I could have them

they are at my fingertips

I know the way your eyes wondered towards mine

I stood there diverting my gaze

to your hair, the top of your ear, your shoes

it's forbidden, these things do not belong to me

but I could take them

I know this by the way you are always reaching for me

diverting your gaze from mine

I smell your fear when we are alone and lack of trust for yourself

I know by how you said you would

and how you said you didn't think you could

that you wanted to, but

you're everything I want with the exception of wanting me