i miss you

He only said three little words

after a lifetime of silence

awkward meetings with our eyes

he threw them at me like he always did

but my guard was down

I woke up to find he had put me out in an ashtray

then it was over, just like that

being a muse for the night

I could do better........I could do worse

I wondered what piece of me had been stolen and sold for profit

would I recognize my blood in the ink

in the voice, or in the silence

I can never hear it loud enough

I wonder if I'll ever hear it, read it

I wonder if I'll forget

The Last Summer of My Youth

The day, like all the days that summer, escaped from my memory with the speed of light. It was a hazy blur across my glazed over eyes. All I could think of was what to do with my night. Lately we had began keeping regular company with some older guys. The only people we met that summer that we continued to hang out with past the first time we met them. The summer was filled with the one night only escapades with strangers we had met and never saw again. From then on it would always remind me of my summer in the city when we met someone and went on an adventure with them. My last summer of being carefree, irresponsible and feeling invincible. A winning combination.

On a previous night, my friend, one of the older guys we had been kicking it with and I had got into a discussion about drugs while walking around downtown. He mentioned that he did coke once in a while, that he liked it, my friend said she’d done speed and liked it. He mentioned how dirty that was and asked if she liked the crystal or the yellow stuff, she said the yellow stuff. He seemed repulsed.

So on this night my friend and a girl from our building were supposed to go with the older guy to get some speed. I stayed home and just waited. Later they came back and we hung out, shot some pool and eventually decided to go down to the piers, where we usually hung out since they liked to skateboard there. That’s where all the skateboarder’s hung out. The four of us all went down there to meet up with the other older guy and drink a little. We had our usual hard ciders while the boys drank Heineken. My friend asked if I wanted to share the speed with her and the girl from our building and I immediately said yes. This was the summer to let loose completely. No rules, no consequences. I wanted to feel like I was a train, speeding aimlessly to nowhere, anywhere, simply for the adrenaline rush; and I was going to take every opportunity presented to make sure I felt that way as much as possible that summer. So I followed them to the pay-potty and waited for the door to close...

After hanging out a while longer we decided it was a good idea to head back to our building. With the guys, who are not allowed in. Great idea. Once we get there, the guys insist that they can make their way up the fire escape to crawl in a window. The girl from our building headed up to let them in the window, while the boys shimmied up the fire escape. Once we all got into the 3rd floor dorm room, us girls hit the bathroom to do some more speed. The girls found a CD case and credit card and started cutting it on the bathroom floor. I mentioned how after school special the scene was, we all laughed and did a line off the floor. A blur.

A few of us climbed in the window to my room, smoke a little with my roommate. Some cloves, some hollowed out cloves with weed, and had some more drinks. Before I knew it, everyone was in bed except for me, my best friend and one of the older guys who had stuck around. We were wide awake and you could hear a pin drop in the neigbhorhood. We sat on the front porch smoking and talking. I couldn't stop chewing my gum. My jaw started to hurt. The guy warned that would happen, he insisted I spit it out and try not to clench my teeth. We decided we had to walk somewhere, we were too restless to sit there any longer. We had recently found out the day before that there was a curfew if you were under 18. Funny, the summer was almost over, we'd been out all night almost every night and never knew. Now we were worried. We decided it would be a good idea to just wait until 4am, that way we could claim we were UP for the day, not up STILL. Great plan.

It was still dark when we found ourselves walking down the steep hills of the city. Most of the stores were closed, but there were some coffee shops and cafes just opening up. We stood in front of one with donuts and waited for them to switch the sign on. We hadn't eaten that day, someone thought we needed donuts. But no coffee. We got 2 donuts for the 3 of us, of which I had 2 tiny pinches of one and realized I tasted less flavor than lettuce, so I opted not to have any more. We walked up and down Van Ness picking at them and drinking water for a couple more hours before deciding to walk home. Once we got home, I hopped in the shower and got ready for school. A blur across my glazed over eyes.

Love From Regret

I sat there listening while you talked on the phone
the words escaped you nervously
in only the way that words could escape a father
I imagine they are the feelings, the realizations that arise
when you realize the long years of your life have passed
and this being is here, completely unable to relate
from two different worlds
you must find yourself filled with regret
why weren't you closer
why weren't you there more
you see the closeness, the bond; but not with you
you nervously clutch at glimmers of affection
you use that four letter word so much more often these days
as if it were your redemption
and each time it spills from you
I feel your desperation and regret
I wonder if you can see the mistakes I'm making
the deviant things I desire
the correlations
this thing you flood us with, now
a deluge after a comfortable lifetime in desert
just when we've grown to love the dry wind
I find myself wondering if it's too late

Shadow on the Street

I was walking down the street. I was with him. For some reason I always wanted to walk around the city with him. Never with a destination. Anywhere we'd be going would just break up our flow anyway. We were very fluid. As I was walking, and listening, a man hurried past huddled into his jacket like a turtle in it's shell. It wasn't even really cold out. He had the weight of a chip on his shoulder and the expression on his face screamed the anger and disdain he had for the world and everyone in it. Bitterness.


I stopped dead in my tracks and my glance raced after him to see if the recognition was true. Yes. I called after him. He stopped without turning around immediately. Then, after several seconds he turns and without looking up from the sidewalk, rushed towards me. I was happy to see him, as I had been the past several times. A sense of calm, nostalgia, and even longing for what used to be would always flood over me. The feeling would always flood across the perma-smile on my face that only someone who knew me in the way he did would bring about.

He leaned in, his head hovering over my shoulder, his mouth lingering at my ear as he gave me a hesitant hug. "I'm sorry" he said, "I just can't see you like this." I looked at him as he started to pull away, I looked into his eyes for that person I used to see. The one who's eyes could pierce my soul without feeling the slightest prick or self conscious reflex. Eyes like daggers, just like his words. I looked for those eyes, but they weren't there. Instead they were eyes that were dead and dull. He couldn't even muster their dull blades in my general direction.

Thoughts raced through my mind. Confusion. Did he not want me to see the person he'd become? Was he ashamed? He had faded. He was a shadow. But I still had hope he could return. "I'm sorry" he said, "I just can't see you like this...with him." And he turned and hurried away before I could comprehend his last words. Annoyance, frustration, embarassment, pity, apathy. I turned and began to walk away without missing a beat in our previous conversation.

"Who was that?" he said. "An ex boyfriend?"
I laughed. "You don't know who that was?"
"No...."
I thought for a second, to answer his question. Who was he? Who was he anyway? Who was he to me? Who is he now?

"Me either."

From Waves to Stampedes

So I was locked into your icy blue prison

I saw visions of what we'd do

in the longest short era I've ever known

the desire burnt us from stone

white knuckled and heart pounding

I dove into the icy blue prison

the violent choppy tide whipped and crashed

the white capped waves rose to points

piercing gaze like icicles plunging into the snow

we stood in the silent stillness while

wild horses stampede towards us

their hooves gallup crushing and pounding

into the horizon line

reduced to tufts of dead golden grass

I raced away from the cold concrete

of that icy blue prison

I've climbed out, over the razor wire

but it's always been so easy and so clear

seeing behind your icy blue eyes.

Violently Charming

Of all the things you did

your angst was never at rest

not even in sleep

I could hear the angered words under your breathe

mumbling in argument

teeth grinding, chattering at times

you'd flinch, you'd flail

I opened my eyes

when I looked over at your twisted face

you shouted with eyes closed

your words became clear and you belted out curses

I just lie there watching

you jumped up and raised a fist above my face

I gasp and flinch in shock and fear

your eyes slowly opened

confusion

"Sorry"

Kissed me on the forehead and closed your eyes again

Looking Glass

"The men eyed her with the automatic mix of curiosity, lust, and aesthetic judgement they always gave young women, subject to object, the way you'd stare at an animal. She pretended not to notice. To remind them she was a person was too much effort. Objects bore no guilt."


Sometimes you're nothing but meat. A lamb in a lion's den. Some people ACHE to be the meat. They'd give everything to sacrifice themselves. I never understood it. This vignette of life is mine. Recently it happened, again, it is not uncommon. I could sense the hunter like a bee senses fear. The eyes were locked, prowling, lurking, licking their chops, about to pounce on the meat. They interlaced in the crowd. But I knew where each one was. I felt the past clouding around me like blood in shark infested waters. We were all animals here. The sharks circled me, knowing what I have done. I was unsure if they knew...what they knew, but it felt all too familiar. I wasn't alone in being stalked. I'd been here before. Now I'm on the other side of the mirror. I knew I wasn't supposed to be here, and as I looked back through the looking glass, I couldn't help but wonder if things were different on this side.