Red Flag

Hiding the red flags on my heart
you held my hands with yours
those kind hands I hadn't felt in so long
that lingering grasp that made me miss you again
you tell me I wouldn't know
I couldn't
but I've known it
without any of the good
is it the same?
without being the only one...or the promise
do I have what you have?
could I know your pain?
your hands said you were sorry
even as I fought them...

Curiouser

I often give myself very good advice
but I very seldom follow it
never date someone you've had a crush on for a long time
they're never as good as you want them to be
stupid pedestal, it's a long drop to reality

I hate you a little more each time you love me

Jumping Blindly

I hadn't really noticed you at first

after a few times I started noticing your eyes catching mine

when I was near you I was caught between looking away-

-coyly, you'd think

and feeling like I was holding you up with my gaze

after awhile the butterflies would come

I'd feel a charge, a serenity, a panic

a gravitational pull when near you

soon I'd find myself making excuses to be around you

I'd jump without hesitation at the chance

it was addicting

I still didn't know what I wanted...or what I'd do

I always jumped blindly

I thought if I could just show you that I was holding you up with my gaze

you'd hold me up with yours

i miss you

He only said three little words

after a lifetime of silence

awkward meetings with our eyes

he threw them at me like he always did

but my guard was down

I woke up to find he had put me out in an ashtray

then it was over, just like that

being a muse for the night

I could do better........I could do worse

I wondered what piece of me had been stolen and sold for profit

would I recognize my blood in the ink

in the voice, or in the silence

I can never hear it loud enough

I wonder if I'll ever hear it, read it

I wonder if I'll forget

The Last Summer of My Youth

The day, like all the days that summer, escaped from my memory with the speed of light. It was a hazy blur across my glazed over eyes. All I could think of was what to do with my night. Lately we had began keeping regular company with some older guys. The only people we met that summer that we continued to hang out with past the first time we met them. The summer was filled with the one night only escapades with strangers we had met and never saw again. From then on it would always remind me of my summer in the city when we met someone and went on an adventure with them. My last summer of being carefree, irresponsible and feeling invincible. A winning combination.

On a previous night, my friend, one of the older guys we had been kicking it with and I had got into a discussion about drugs while walking around downtown. He mentioned that he did coke once in a while, that he liked it, my friend said she’d done speed and liked it. He mentioned how dirty that was and asked if she liked the crystal or the yellow stuff, she said the yellow stuff. He seemed repulsed.

So on this night my friend and a girl from our building were supposed to go with the older guy to get some speed. I stayed home and just waited. Later they came back and we hung out, shot some pool and eventually decided to go down to the piers, where we usually hung out since they liked to skateboard there. That’s where all the skateboarder’s hung out. The four of us all went down there to meet up with the other older guy and drink a little. We had our usual hard ciders while the boys drank Heineken. My friend asked if I wanted to share the speed with her and the girl from our building and I immediately said yes. This was the summer to let loose completely. No rules, no consequences. I wanted to feel like I was a train, speeding aimlessly to nowhere, anywhere, simply for the adrenaline rush; and I was going to take every opportunity presented to make sure I felt that way as much as possible that summer. So I followed them to the pay-potty and waited for the door to close...

After hanging out a while longer we decided it was a good idea to head back to our building. With the guys, who are not allowed in. Great idea. Once we get there, the guys insist that they can make their way up the fire escape to crawl in a window. The girl from our building headed up to let them in the window, while the boys shimmied up the fire escape. Once we all got into the 3rd floor dorm room, us girls hit the bathroom to do some more speed. The girls found a CD case and credit card and started cutting it on the bathroom floor. I mentioned how after school special the scene was, we all laughed and did a line off the floor. A blur.

A few of us climbed in the window to my room, smoke a little with my roommate. Some cloves, some hollowed out cloves with weed, and had some more drinks. Before I knew it, everyone was in bed except for me, my best friend and one of the older guys who had stuck around. We were wide awake and you could hear a pin drop in the neigbhorhood. We sat on the front porch smoking and talking. I couldn't stop chewing my gum. My jaw started to hurt. The guy warned that would happen, he insisted I spit it out and try not to clench my teeth. We decided we had to walk somewhere, we were too restless to sit there any longer. We had recently found out the day before that there was a curfew if you were under 18. Funny, the summer was almost over, we'd been out all night almost every night and never knew. Now we were worried. We decided it would be a good idea to just wait until 4am, that way we could claim we were UP for the day, not up STILL. Great plan.

It was still dark when we found ourselves walking down the steep hills of the city. Most of the stores were closed, but there were some coffee shops and cafes just opening up. We stood in front of one with donuts and waited for them to switch the sign on. We hadn't eaten that day, someone thought we needed donuts. But no coffee. We got 2 donuts for the 3 of us, of which I had 2 tiny pinches of one and realized I tasted less flavor than lettuce, so I opted not to have any more. We walked up and down Van Ness picking at them and drinking water for a couple more hours before deciding to walk home. Once we got home, I hopped in the shower and got ready for school. A blur across my glazed over eyes.

Love From Regret

I sat there listening while you talked on the phone
the words escaped you nervously
in only the way that words could escape a father
I imagine they are the feelings, the realizations that arise
when you realize the long years of your life have passed
and this being is here, completely unable to relate
from two different worlds
you must find yourself filled with regret
why weren't you closer
why weren't you there more
you see the closeness, the bond; but not with you
you nervously clutch at glimmers of affection
you use that four letter word so much more often these days
as if it were your redemption
and each time it spills from you
I feel your desperation and regret
I wonder if you can see the mistakes I'm making
the deviant things I desire
the correlations
this thing you flood us with, now
a deluge after a comfortable lifetime in desert
just when we've grown to love the dry wind
I find myself wondering if it's too late